Writing Styles
Examples from various group members from their own journals over the years.
Amirah
2008. I've made choices I believed to be for the best of our family.. I've voiced opinions to some I believed were harming themselves, only wishing to open a door to help.. not everyone who is in pain truly wants help.. it was my belief that if someone were suffering, then they couldn't possibly want that to continue.. maybe no one had offered to help them.. maybe they were waiting for someone to take notice and extend a hand.. that isn't always the case.. some people do seem to feel more comfortable within their own pain.. they may not admit it, yet if pain is all a person knows, it is possible to fear having that pain taken away.. that was something I've learned..
2009. I believed that time could not erase the ease I had with slipping into life at the Front.. it has been three years since I Fronted for longer than two days.. I know this life is a shared one, shared by all who come here.. today I felt as though it no longer was mine.. I have been away too long.. the shampoo and soaps are different.. the clothing is different.. even the blankets are not what I had once chosen for myself.. I may not have changed, but life in this place has changed.. people I once spoke with are no longer speaking to us.. I'm very much not a social butterfly, yet I did meet with several individuals in chat.. I would speak with them for hours.. I enjoyed listening to them and honored their trust as they let me lend to them a shoulder, for tears or comfort.. I am sad for those days.. |
Dalamar
2009. In a moment of stillness, I have realized all that I am not.
2011. I remember the day I found my wife and child. My daughter wore blue that day. They reached for one another, yet their fingers did not meet. They rest together in a single grave. I dug it in haste, at risk for the lives of those with me. My world is no more. I can never visit their grave. Nor can I whisper my grief into the dirt that held them in their final embrace. She loved the color blue. Blue like the sky. 2015. For many years I have kept personal records and journals. I paint and sketch my memories of people and places on Krynn and keep many of them in a locked room in the tower. Tradition is important to me. I work tirelessly to make certain our way of life is not forgotten. It is all that remains of our home. 2016. It's dark and I'm only just getting into my large mug of tea, when I glanced over beside the keyboard and saw what looked like someone's toupee resting on my desk. It took me nearly a minute to realize it was Gossy's tail, as she's looking out the window. That was the sort of fright I was unprepared for. |
Harry
2010. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. This may only be in my head, thinking that other people expect so much more from me than I am. I don't just mean when being compared to a story character. I had the same thoughts at Hogwarts too. Everyone around me had a mythic legend surrounding my past, a legend I never knew existed until I started school there. At first I was confused whenever strangers would say my name or want to shake my hand. I liked it for a little while, people wanted to be my friend, give me gifts, or even do my homework for me. I never knew how to talk with anyone. I never learned how. With the school I went to before Hogwarts it was the same way, minus strangers knowing who I am. I couldn't talk to people. I didn't want their attention anymore, and I didn't want them to discover that I'm not this chosen one they all wanted me to be. I still feel like these expectations are on me. Am I putting them on myself now? Why do feel this way when I'm not at the school anymore?
2011. I had memories about my Uncle again. I told someone in my last entry that I always knew my Uncle and my mother's sister never liked me. I assumed it was due to the fact I was dumped on their porch as a baby. I should have been grateful to even have a home. One day at Hogwarts when I was twelve, Ron joked about all the *terrible* things in his home life. He wasn't serious. I used the same tone of voice he used to joke about a few ways my Uncle expressed his anger towards me. Ron and Hermione weren't laughing. They were quiet until Hermione looked me in the eye and said, "that was awful, Harry, you never deserved to be abused that way." It was the first time someone told me I had been abused. I never heard that word before in relation to myself. She told me I didn't have to ever joke about my Uncle as a *safe* way to explain something that hurts me. I didn't notice I had been using humour to talk about it. I feel nervous to ever bring it up. She was right, they had no right to treat me that way. |
Hatori
2009. I've watched those around me in this new place and came to learn what a true family is. They support each other. They listen, cry, play, and laugh together. I decided immediately this is where I would stay. In the beginning, Akito and I had much to heal from. He became ill, and I became ill. Illness from memory and the past. It can find a person and shove them into a shivering corner. I shook in this corner for too long. He and I recovered and returned changed. Perhaps, Akito's changes were more drastic than my own. Even more changes will come to us in the next year. We are working toward a dream and a family of our own. News of this possibility came only yesterday. I have sat and watched the excitement in his eyes. I've only wanted this joy for him since I met him nearly twenty years ago. Young and lost we both were then.
He asks me when I will return to work. When I arrived, an office was given to me. I had several patients I saw regularly. I have removed myself from practicing medicine. I no longer know if this is my path. I do have a recent patient. I see LeAnne's son. He has an unknown illness that causes a weakness in his body. She is worried for him and I can not find a cause for his loss of strength. I have devoted my time to discovering the reasons for his illness. He is my only patient. Akito has told me it's impossible for me to stop being a doctor. He believes it is who I am, even if I'm unable to see it. He sees it in me. He may be right. It's been difficult to see this within myself, when my very abilities were not enough to save the innocent or someone I love. Every doctor has a moment or several moments of failure. Yet mine ripped my heart from me and refused to return it for a very long time. |
Jenilee
2006. I feel as if I am being treated as a lesser person. Maybe it is my imagination. I at times hesitate to reveal that I am myself because I don't like the feeling of someone wondering how long I'm going to be here. I'm always here. They only don't know it. I was tempted to pretend I was Amirah, just so I wouldn't have to try and explain anything. I'm not sure if I could get away with being her anyway. I understand that Amirah interacts with others with the body more, she posts more, she seems to be the most vocal. Maybe it's my own fault for not speaking up more and letting myself be known, so it doesn't seem like such a strange shock when I am around.
2006. I have been very excited about the school term that is about to start. I have been wanting to find a way to include inhabitants from Valance and the other villages at our school. This year we expanded on the school and added a large botanical section. I visited with a Shalimarayn trader on the Stellar Lighthouse (space station) and received a large amount of seeds and plantlings from within the Dominion. As a result I started a new program at the school that will experiment with the seeds to learn which will grow the best in what regions around us. 2011. I was troubled with my new life and tried my best to understand what had happened to me. My first concerns involved the marriage. I had never been in a relationship; I still dreamed about my first kiss; let alone intimacy with a stranger. I was not married, yet if I was to claim this new life for myself, it meant I was a married woman. Thankfully the changes happened while my new husband, of six years, lived overseas. So I was not pressured into any physical situations I was unprepared for. When I attempted to share with him my thoughts, how I wished for a love of my own because he was the husband of Suz or Kas, he became upset with me. I learned then 'my place' within this new life. |
Kalli
2008. There are days and nights when I feel lost. I don't mean I'm unsure of where I am. It is as though my insides are not in sync with where I know I should be. The stars and moons move the same paths they always do. A sun rises and the sky is brightened. My fingers move in the air and magic comes to me when I will it. I sit in my place at the old wooden table and I listen to Dalamar's voice with my eyes closed and follow where it takes me. But I still can't find my insides. They are lost and I am lost with it. I want to be found.
2012. It's hard not to feel like a failure. I feel like we've wasted a decade and a half living that life of silent, hidden abuse and now we're in this world, expected to go back to school or find a job. The therapist we were seeing told me that if I truly wanted to work, there were managers out there who would be willing to work with me and our anxiety issues. I'd just have to struggle hard to find one. How is that even helping with the anxiety? By telling me that I'm not even trying to get out there and work? After I told him that I was a prisoner in my own home, my own mind and soul for 15 years. What did he expect from me? To pretend that I'm suddenly OK? |
LeAnne
2010. I was looking through my journal today at all my old entries and I have to say that my journal rocks!! I wasn't afraid to say what was on my mind. I miss that. lol how much I rule. four years ago I posted this entry in one of our plural comms about soulbonds and people freaked out about it. lol I was such a trouble maker and cool at the same time. I really miss saying what was on my mind. I need to be cool once more! anyways. what else can I talk about that is cool now? eating cold pizza rules. it's funny when you're away for a long while and come back and see all these latest phrases or word fads. I had the largest catching up to do when I was away from the front for 13 years during the 1990s. I totally skipped the 90s generation and came back like the early 2000s. I'm an 80s chick. I admit it. I miss my 80s. internet? we didn't need no stinkin' internet! :p
2012. man I tried to hold it in and be nice :( tried so hard. then I had to go and flip out. like I always do. this is what I did when he was pushing and pushing me in 2009 and I got so scared that I started screaming and saying all this crap like I was insane :( now I'm scared again. maybe I ruined everything like I did back then. this is why I'm a bad fronter. I can't keep my mouth shut. but I mean I hate it when I'm treated that way. it really sets me off. and we've been seeing how horribly she's been treated this last week. and I kept biting my tongue and thinking that maybe it's because she was tired or stressed because we were on the road. all the same excuse finding things we used to do with him. :/ I suck so bad :( I really went off on her. and all I've done is probably dug us a hole. |
Robin
2004. i just dont fucken get it. now we have this thing worked with him about how kas is with him an the rest of us in the body arent allowed to be with anyone while we are using the body. which still upsets me an some others of us but whatever. i guess i can force myself to understand that. but now he's trying to tell me what i can an cant do while im not using the body. an who i can be with or what we do an shit. wtf! i dont belong to him. he already brushed me off before because im not kas an fucken hurt my feelings. whatever. im really pissed right now about this shit. an im not the only one. he thinks that cuz we use the same body that we all have to follow his damm rules. hes not my boyfriend. hes not my husband. i dont have to stop being me for him. maybe he just doesnt understand that the rest of us are not kas! we are different. we are not the same person. maybe its not his fault. whatever it still pisses me off. im not bound to his rules an the others arent either.
2006. allright bitches here i am with another installment of me. ha ha. i know you need it. update on my butterball. kenna is so much a fucken butterball its nuts. little nicky is 4 months older than her an shes as big as he is now. im long past the days when i could ever feed em both on a tit at the same time. if im desperate i can hold one an then lay the other half on top the other an do it that way but shit with them squirming all over the place. me an shay have to each take one at feeding times now. |
Sage
2011. board meetings I can handle. It's the fuckin complaining I just aint cut out for. I learned that the beginning of the year is office rearranging time. office furniture, taking down christmas decorations, the mother fuckin parking garage cards weren't working because the gate computer wouldn't recognize the new fuckin year! One ass in the gym sent me a complaint that the electric sliding door wouldn't work. oh my fuckin god he had to use his own hand to open a door! For an entire month I worked my ass off for those lazy asstards. fuckin twenty hours most nights. slept at the office. stopped wearing a decent suit half a month ago. sick of giving and getting shit back. I aint their goddamned slave. I don't know how my sister can do this shit. She loves it. She lives for it. then again, that's why she's the clan prince and I'm just her younger twin brother, the fuckin side effect.
2011. I sold the rest of the property I had no use for. Live a few centuries and you end up collecting junk you no longer need. I held on to the one in Italy, and one in Scotland. And, of course, the family estate in New York. It aint my place to sell it anyway. Spent time with my sister, some days back. She's moving around, making a brave attempt at life. I feel the mask she's wearing, she has to wear. I'd do just about anything to see purpose in her green eyes again. This is a fuckin waste of an entry. There aint shit I'm interested in at the moment. |
Sirius
2011. Words from the past, said to me about friendship, about loyalty. These words became my present. In a dark place, he came to me. Call him a ghost, if you wish. Call him proof of my insanity, as if sanity even walked those hellish corridors. I lost mine, my sanity. It sank down into the stones I used as a pillow. He came to me, reminded me of the freedom we once had. If not for him I would not be here now. I made a promise that I intend to keep, for his son. I love his son for all the memories of youth I had once forgotten. Perhaps he will help me find myself once again. In a perfect stillness I can almost see myself. Who is this stranger?
2011. How is it I am able to admit my insanity, my failings, to a friend, yet I'm unable to admit it to myself? Time is escaping me. Memories threaten to expand my mind to bursting, and my only escape is into the nothingness that lives on the inside. Time passes and I am unaware. Where do I go? What if I remain within this void and am unable to return? Are moments of nothing better than long hours of remembered darkness? Perhaps my mind will make its own choice. |
Sukey
2007. My idea of family isn't very healthy. I never wanted a partner or to be married because, in my mind, it was a painful and non-existent thing. I did want children though. My fantasies did include a loving partner, but my fantasies never were realistic to me. I used to pretend I was pregnant. I'd stuff rolled up clothing under my shirt when I was alone in my room and pretend I was carrying a baby. I don't know why I did that, but that's what I did. I wasn't around when Suz had a miscarriage with the body, but if I were, I'm sure it would've devastated me as much as it did her.
2009. I know about the Plurality business, many people sharing a body and all of that. I've known about it for a few years. I think I knew about it a long time ago too, not sure. I know everyone doesn't subscribe to the notion of we're all alters, broken from one person into a bunch of pieces. I agree with that too. I don't feel like I was a part of someone else. What I do agree with is that I had a particular purpose or job. I was a teenage fronter. My job was to be the daughter. I dealt with home life, cleaned and did chores, watched after my younger brothers, and whatever else. I don't try to understand my life; at least in regards to what's outside of me. It's easier for me to sit in front of the computer, directing my thoughts or creations at the screen, than to walk around and figure out what it's all about. What is it all about? Does this Plurality business come about because of abuse like books or web sites say? People here don't believe that's how we all got here. I don't know when I came here, and I'm another that doesn't own this body, even though I refer to my bio parents as mine. They aren't mine. What else is mine? Really. What else is mine? |
Suz
2003. The following year, was less stressful. I think part of it was due to the fact that I learned how to talk with him. I learned what subjects would set him off and I avoided him. The fewer arguments were so nice. But I was still afraid of the one time when he would suddenly go off and get angry. It seemed to be over stupid things and sometimes would catch me off-guard. I couldn't figure out why he was so angry. I wasn't doing anything to him, we finally had our house, we were settled and going to school. I just couldn't figure it out. He didn't see himself as being angry and so didn't think there was anything wrong with him. I think that if he did think there was something wrong, that it was my fault. I was the one who was depressed all the time. So I think that he felt whatever stress he was feeling, that it was my fault. I don't really know!
2003. Of course there was nothing I could do about it as a child. I didn't know that at the time. I would do things to hopefully get what I needed from them. Cleaned the house more to get praise. Took care of my brothers so they would say I was responsible and to feel needed. Got good grades in school, even though I hated being there, to get some kind of attention. But it was never long enough. It was just never enough attention. So I withdrew into myself. I figured if doing things externally wasn't getting what I wanted, then why even bother? I didn't know what it was I needed back then, and it wasn't like I could just go to my parents and tell them to give me more attention. They probably would have thought I was being a brat or something. Who knows? |
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